Ten Years in Retrospect...

I am a bad blogger, I know.  My last post was sometime in March, and in the world of bloggers that does move me down on the list of people to follow.  I write far more posts in my head that never make on to here, as I have yet to figure out how to link the two without physically having to sit down and do the typing part...  Anyway.  Onto my post.

Ten Years in Retrospect...

So, to be honest,  it's not quite the 10 year mark.  But seeing as we are two weeks away from our ten year anniversary (and the start of my final semester of nursing school), I thought I'd start working on this now.  I have actually looked forward to this year as it marked those two very special events, our 10th anniversary, and going from Mikki Smith, Student Nurse SII to Mikki Smith, RN. 

I will be honest, maybe to a fault here.  I have spent quite a bit of time coming up with just the right words for this post, while maintaining a proper, ladylike attitude.  I struggle with the difficulty of maintaining the balancing act of saying mostly what needs to be said and less of the things I would like to say with the intent of directing particular arrows at particular targets. *Ah, better already.* 

As I look back over the past ten years I am amazed, not by the fact that we are actually standing at the doorstep of the 10 year mark but by the fact that is has gone so crazy-fast and by all the twists and turns that have come along the way.  In ten years we have added as many new people to our family as have been taken from it.  Some years have been better than others; some were lived, while some were only survived.  I remember sitting and having a conversation with one of the several VIP's in our life.  I don't remember which year of marriage he was on at that point but it far surpassed where we were.  "Year 1 was good, I think 2 and 3 were okay.  But that year 5 was a hard one!  That was one I wouldn't want to re-do," he stated.  I don't know what took place during that year, or maybe I just don't remember, but when we encountered our own hard years that conversation always came to mind and still makes me smile.  Ten years of marriage allowed for alotta good and plenty of not so good.  But then again, I knew what I was signing up for when I signed the line on the fancy paper inside the courthouse.  And I have never had the false expectation that good things "happen" instead of being made.  I did, however, marry my best friend.  And when I say that, I mean that.  I hear a lot of people use that term loosely, or at least so I feel.  I hear people talk about needing "time away" from their spouse and that is something that even after 10 years of marriage, I just don't understand...  My husband is the one person that I don't have to explain much to.  He can watch my body language and seemingly tap into my thoughts.  He knows exactly who I am and loves me in spite of a lot of flaws.  He is one of few people that I can be unapologetically me with, as extreme as that may be at times.  I am thankful for who he is and everything we have been given. 

I also recognize that God blessed us with a lot of Very Important People, and know that we most certainly wouldn't be where we are with out them.  We learned to cling to good advice early in our marriage, and even sought it out when we were in need, even when we didn't like what we were told.  Good people who give dependable, Godly advice can be hard to find.  Cling to them when you find them.  People who chose to invest in who you are personally and as a couple are some of the most important people God will ever give you.  These will be the people you run to when life throws you a curve ball.  Our people deserve so much more than just a "thank you" for all the times we asked them to drop whatever they were doing because of a need we had.  And they would always do just that...

We spend a lot of time looking back in amazement and asking each other "how did we get here?!"  It was never without God or hard work, and Justin's uncanny ability to get people to take a chance on him always paid off.  We look back now and see how God has used all these little stepping stones along the way to get us to where we are.  Sometimes it was the smallest or seemingly the most insignificant interactions that led to the next chapter or opportunity.  And sometimes it was what appeared to be a devastating ending that led to an awesome beginning that was totally unforeseeable at the time.  That being said, hard times will come again; advice will be sought.  We will never outgrow struggles or trials.  But hopefully we will allow what doesn't kill us to grow us closer.

What I've learned, and it may not be much, but for what it's worth here it is...

Forgive quickly.  Ask for forgiveness even more quickly.  Get over it and move on.  If you are wrong, always apologize.  Don't wake up mad- I'm not yet good enough to not go to sleep mad, but if you do make sure you are over it by morning (this goes back to my #3-Get over it and move on.) Always be loving, always.   Listen.  Few things are really worth fighting over, pick your battles.  Because I really don't think this can be said enough, I'll say it again: pick your battles, it's probably not worth it.  Let things slide.  Remember they are just as human as you- which makes you only as perfect as them.  When things are hard don't pray for God to change him, pray for God to change you.  Love them just as they are, exactly where they are.  Marriage is a partnership, this leaves no room for selfishness.  Some people say marriage is 50/50, others say 100/100.  Whatever.  The truth is sometimes you have to pick up some slack for them and other times they will have to do the same for you.  Don't expect it to be equal.  And don't ever keep score.   Communicate well.  Love fully.  Let them dream.  Know when to shut up.  Don't hold them to standards that you yourself could not achieve.  Laugh often. Always have his/her back.

Everyone has their own set of love lessons to learn.  These were some of mine.  We don't have it all figured out.  We will learn more, some the hard way and some will hurt.  But over the past 10 years we have learned to work well together as a team, to let dumb things slide, and to focus on what really matters.  What doesn't matter will disolusion and derail you.  Sometimes you have to stop and look at what you have, thank God for what he has given you, appreciate the people who are rooting for you, and acknowledge the hard work that both of you have put in to make things what they are. 

This is satisfaction.

10 years and counting.

(Dear nay-sayers, where are you now?!)



   
 

It's not fair. Now get over it.

I don’t know how many times every day I hear the words “But
mom, it’s not fair!” You do not know how
much I hate this saying. My usual
response is either “life’s not fair,” or “Nope. Now get over it.” But the truth is our society tries very hard
to make life “fair.” Have you been to a
kids ball game lately? Most sports for
younger children don’t even keep score.
It’s not fair that the team who isn’t as good loses. We don’t want feelings hurt. We need to be fair.
Why have we decided to set our children up for failure? Is that not exactly what we are doing?! For real, think about it. Let’s keep this thought at the little league
level for a minute and run down a bunny trail. We (although we all know that the kids keep
score) don’t keep score because we don’t want to “label” the kids as “winners”
and “Losers.” This may cause them to
develop a stigma and may scar their tinder psyche, so we sugar coat things to
make everyone “feel good and bubbly” inside.
Because after all, isn’t that what’s important? We need to shelter our children from the
harshness of reality. That’s what we are
doing. Why can’t we just be honest? Why do we feel the need to always “protect”
our children from what’s real?
I see lots of problems being created by this mindset. First of all, life isn’t fair and life does have
winners and losers. Instead of
sheltering our children from that, why don’t we teach how to deal with life not
being fair and teach them to strive to be one of the “winners?” Very few times have I seen people “win” in
life and it be on accident. Greatness
doesn’t “just happen,” let me tell you…
It’s achieved by hard work and the failures that are required to develop
perfection. If my child doesn’t know
that there are people who are better at things than they are, what goals do
they have to set and how can they reach their potential? Yes, this means they have to lose. They have to fall, and they have to
fail. And I have to let them and be okay with that because they are
watching my reaction to determine how they react.
It’s ok to fail; it’s not ok to be ok with failure. Did you catch that?! Read it again. It’s ok to fail; it’s not ok to be ok with
failure. Failures happen, and that’s
ok. Our desire not to fail and our distain
of failing has to be our drive to achieve success and excellence. We won’t achieve greatness without trial and
error. If we never let our kids fail, we
also have never let them achieve greatness.
And back to my thoughts on “fair”. Life is not fair. No matter how hard we try to make things “equal”
or “fair,” it’s just not going to happen and we are usually only moving
ourselves backwards in the process. {Can
you think of “for instances” when our government tried to make things “fair” and
how well that usually works out} Get over it.
It was not fair that my dad died when I was nine. It’s not fair that my brother died at
42. It was not fair that my mother’s
father died when she was two. It’s not
fair that my little brother was born into a family who did unspeakable things
to him and his siblings. It was not fair
that my Godly grandmother got dementia, was confused, worried, tormented by the
“dark evil man” in the corner of the room that only she could see, and wasted
away to nearly nothing before God called her home. It’s not fair that my neighbor’s daughter was
9 months pregnant when God called her baby girl home and they never got to meet
her. It’s not fair that bad things happen to good
people and sometimes it seems like the bad guys come out on top. But it is okay. My life doesn’t have to be fair. My life is a tiny part in a bigger picture. And my God is just. Usually when I am worried about what’s fair I
am being self-centered anyway. Was it
fair that the most holy man on earth died on a cross with thieves after being
beaten and mocked? And this happened so
that he could pay the way for nasty sinners, like me and you?! Is that fair?! Was it fair that the men whom Jesus loved and
sent out to tell the world about him were jailed and killed? Can you point to any story in the bible that
is fair? Probably not…
Because It is the big
picture. The idea of “fair” didn’t come
from the bible. It’s a view of our
society. And it’s something we need to
pay close attention to because it is being indoctrinated into our kids daily,
and very often we are the ones doing it. Disappointment and heartaches happen. We don’t live in a perfect world. It is our job to equip our children for the
world that we do live in, not a utopia that we envision where life is fair and
failure is unheard of. This is the real
world. Life is 10% what happens to you
and 90% how you react to it. It’s not
fair, it’s not always fun, and it’s usually not pretty. When did we start believing society’s lie
that that was how it should be?

Goodbye 2011

2011…
I don’t get to post as much as I should, but I’m going to attempt to take a minute too. Nothing long or deep, just a few thoughts as the New Year nears. This is kind of a cool point for me. This time last year I had just gotten accepted into nursing school (and was scared out of my mind). This time next year I will have just graduated (and will be scared out of my mind again). I am half way through and that is an awesome feeling. The semesters are so fast paced that they fly and are over before you realize it, which is the way it has to be because you couldn’t make it if they were or seemed any longer. This semester was awesome, despite having an instructor who is known for being “blonde” to put it lightly. It has left me both feeling ready and very excited for my next semester. I am thankful for the nurses that I got to work with. They gave me the boost of confidence that I really was lacking. And my classmates were awesome also. They made the semester survivable and wayyy too much fun…

As I look back over the last year, if I had to come up with one word to sum it up it would be change. Or uncertainty. Or insanity. Well, maybe I could find several words… But maybe it was a little of all three. Jan of 2011 seems like a long time ago. Longer than a year. So much has happened and changed since then. It has left me really ready for the New Year and all the changes that will come. I’m excited to see what happens next. Hoping for no injuries or broken bones for a while though. Had my fill of those in 2011. While it did have its rough spots and low points it seems to be ending on a good note. So here’s to hoping 2012 is awesome and I feel God’s presence can see His fingerprints on the situations that are not.

Perspective…

I try not to complain. From time to time I can be found guilty of venting or sharing a possibly uninvited opinion, but I always *try* to be positive, especially on public forums. I don’t, however, consider this a public forum, and if I am going to vent, or be less than positive it will be here. This is my space. I don’t ask anyone to read this, I just share what I post- you can take it or leave it. I have found that complaining not only drains me, but those that I impose my complaints on. Have you ever logged on to FB and saw nothing but negative status after negative status? Instantly your mood is changed and you find something to gripe about. It’s like a bug, it just catches and spreads. The good news is that being positive can too. Being positive in a negative situation, however is much easier said than done…
I recently logged on FB and read the status of a dear friend who said something about being determined to stay positive and keep her focus on the right things no matter how difficult her surroundings were. I never asked what was going on, because I didn’t really need to know and dragging up whatever is going on defeats the point of maintaining a positive focus. I simply applauded her efforts and identified with that struggle. And it is hard. And I love throwing pity parties just as much as the next person. And from time to time I do- I’m never perfect. But those moments are rare and I only allow myself a very brief amount of time for it. Pity parties are useless. They accomplish nothing and cause you to focus on A. your problem, and B. YOU. Neither of which deserve to attention they are given during that time! Can you say selfish?!
I keep having to remind myself of this lately. I find myself in a very difficult-for-me-to-deal-with situation. And for a while I didn’t deal with it well. And yes, I had a pity party. Then I got over it. For now its life and we just have to do what we have to do- and this is part of it! And the lessons I learn here I will use somewhere down the road, that’s why God has me here. I find that I constantly am reminding myself of the saying that I use with the girls. It’s actually one I picked up from school this semester- “You don’t have to like it; you just have to do it.” But I also know that even if I don’t like it, I can still be happy. Even when it’s difficult. And I am pretty sure that the positive factors always outweigh the bad. When my mind races to the list of things that irritate me or I would like to be different and I start to complain I have to shift my focus. I have a beautiful, healthy family that I love dearly. My husband has a job. We have a place to live. We are warm in the winter and cool (kinda) in the summer and dry in the rain. We have cars. When they break down my husband can fix them. We always eat. Just that short list is enough to get your focus back where it should be. I just have to learn to be content with what really matters, and when I do that, all the rest just isn’t important. It’s all in how you look at it. And the way you look at it is totally up to you. I say that I am the eternal optimist. Always. Give me a problem and I will either solve it, or give you a “better” way to look at it. There is positive to every negative situation. Always. And when you can’t find it, it may be because your focus is on the wrong thing.
To me, this post seems vague and slightly elusive. But I know that for those in a situation like this, you get it. And maybe it will help you keep your chin up. Things could ALWAYS be worse than they are and if you are focused on the problems things usually seem worse than they really are too. So I am choosing to focus on the good, because honestly I am blessed far beyond what I deserve.

Confessions…

Confessions…
(and a few of my pet peeves…)

I am married to an extremist. And for those of you that know my husband that statement comes as no surprise. Yes, it’s true, very, very true. No matter what the situation, his views and opinions will be totally extreme. Rarely is he ever “neutral”. It just doesn’t happen. I was recently asked if he was “hard to live with,” to which I laughed a genuine laugh and gave a very sincere answer, “for anyone else yes, but not for me. We pretty well see eye to eye on most things.” In total honesty we share most of the same feelings and beliefs. Almost 100%. And about 90% of the time he says exactly what I am thinking, I’m just smart enough to keep it in my head… That’s our one main difference and the one thing that keeps me from the label of “extremist.” He will gladly jump in a conversation, share his thoughts, feelings, or convictions, and defend them to the death (and be very surprised when people think his stance is extreme), I on the other hand usually don’t. And if I do, I understand that most of society will not agree with my ideology and may think I am crazy after. But his passion, as I like to call it, is one of the things that I love most. And his ability to jump out into something and be willing to sink with the ship when it doesn’t go his way. It’s not that I never do or am unwilling to however; it’s that he feels really passionately no less than 75% of the time towards things in life, and I feel passionately about 25% of the time. But there are a handful of topics that I do openly consider myself to be an extremist towards, and it is my goal to tackle at least a few of them here… So I will start with this one, for no other reason than it’s just the topic that has been on my mind the most lately.

When did women decide to rule the world? Whose idea was it that equality was something that women were entitled to? And in all actuality was it ever really about being considered “equal to”, or was it always honestly about getting a step up and finding a way to be “greater than?” Before you start- those are all purely rhetorical questions. I know the answers and could pick any of those points up one side and down the other (just ask my professors, who know that I am extreme on this topic.) But those really aren’t what I intend to hit on, but more of an opener to my main thought. And let me preface this. I am talking to Christian women, not to all of society. This just doesn’t apply to everyone, (although it should!) so I am just picking out those whom it does apply to and calling them out.

Why do we not let our men be men?

Why do we feel the need to take that away from them? I see it all the time. Women running the house hold, taking charge, and making decisions like they rule the roost. Often they cut their “man” down at every opportunity (usually unintentionally and totally unknowingly), making all the decisions and setting the rules. You can usually tell when a man is in this type of relationship as soon as you meet him, too. The fact that his manhood has been stripped is so obvious that other men (and some women) are embarrassed for him. He usually walks a little “shrug shouldered” and can never answer a question without assistance from his wife. I’m not talking about the “let me check with the wife and make sure we don’t have anything going on” response here, I’m talking about the “You gotta ask my wife…” response. That’s the one that says “I need her permission and/or approval and am deferring that task to you”. I am in no way here advocating for abuse of power or implying that the husband should lack concern for his wife, so don’t take this post out of contest. I am not abused, run over, or mistreated; I just recognize God’s call for my husband to be a man, my husband’s need to be a man, and my need for my husband to be a man. What a thought... I need for my husband to be a man and so does he. The best advice that I ever got was given right before we got married. It came from people who had our best interest at heart. From people who were not scared to tell it the way it needed to be told. Though it seemed harsh at the time it was wrapped in love and Biblical truth. “God says your husband is to be the head,” I was told. “You don’t have to like his decisions or agree with them, but you have to respect them and honor him. You pray for him and when (not if) he is wrong, let him be wrong. God will deal with that. And never tell him ‘I told you so’ when he is.” And she was so, so, very right. I didn’t like it, especially at first. I may have even resented it, but I always tried to let him be a man. I didn’t have to like it, I just had to do it. I think when I quit fighting it so hard, God took over and it became much, much easier. Now it’s the way I prefer. I won’t stand here and say that I do it perfectly 100% of the time. I am not God, and I am not perfect. I do understand the blessing of doing it though, and it is great. I am thankful to be free of the responsibility he has; God really did know what he was doing when he gave that responsibility to man and it’s really sad and puzzling as to why women fight so hard to take it away and carry it themselves. And it’s not very becoming or ladylike either… I have heard women say “I have tried to let him be a man and he just won’t, so I have to take over!” Don’t. Just don’t. For some men it’s just easier for them to let the women run it. DON’T LET THEM DO THAT. It’s not biblical and it’s just not right. It takes just as much work for a man to be good at being a man as it does for a woman to be good at being a woman. But is there a whole lot in the bible that God tells us to do that is effortless?? I know honor is a word that most people choose to take out of their vows nowadays, but it’s a really, really important one that needs to be there. Our men need our honor and respect and the fact that so many Christian women rule their men is heartbreaking to me. Do we really need to wonder why the divorce rate is soaring?? You may not like this post. That doesn’t bother me, because you have to take it up with God. This isn’t something I dreamed up on my own. I know that I used honor and respect and husbands in the same sentence and that makes most people cringe, but it really shouldn't be taboo. It’s what they deserve, not because they are the perfect Godly husband, but because God gave us imperfect husbands with unique flaws and told us to honor and respect them anyway. And you don’t have to like it; you just have to do it.

So women, stand up for your men. Let them be men, and if you make it a habit of keeping their manhood in your purse, give it back and let them keep it. (This is my blog and I can say that. I actually paraphrased it nicely I thought. )

…Not because I am perfect, but because learning from others is much better than learning the hard way.

What you do when you wake up...

What you do when you wake up.

Mattie is my profound thinker. Her ability to ever so innocently insert deeper meanings into simplicity never ceases to amaze me. Her mind usually works more like her daddy’s in its ability to think abstractly, and this often leaves me in giggling amazement.

Our conversation today (out of NOWHERE):
Mattie: “Mommy, how do you fall in love?”
Me: L-o-n-g p-a-u-s-e… I shake my head for a moment. “Mattie,” I sigh… …Still searching for the words to explain such a concept to a 5 year old… “Well… You meet someone, and you become friends, and you start to like them, and you get to know them really good, and you spend lots of time together, and then after a long time you might fall in love with them and get married!” Simple enough for a 5 year old, but complex enough that she feels that she has received an adequate answer, I am hoping…
Mattie: “So, what do you do when you wake up?!”
I am taken aback by the statement, funny as it is, how true is it?! Where it came from I have no clue. My mind races back and forth between the irony of the statement and where she came up with the idea that you are a sleep when you fall in love from my answer…
My response was “You are usually awake when you fall in love…” And the response worked. But as I got ready for bed my mind went back to our innocent conversation. Hind sight is always 20/20. And this fact usually leaves me frustrated. *Hold that thought* So given the chance to re-respond, and given the opportunity to be having this conversation with her another twelve years from now, I would have said something like this…
“You wake up. And he’ll wake up too. And there will be days where you both think ‘what have I done?’ But you stick it out, cause that’s what you vowed to God and each other to do. And the promise for happiness wasn’t anywhere in those vows. It was ‘for better or worse,’ and worse will come. And it will go too. And happiness will do the same. Luckily, although we call it “falling” in love, it’s really not falling at all. Love is a choice- it’s not a feeling. It’s not the warm fuzzys that make you smile every time you think about him. It’s an action that you chose to do. If someone says that they “fell out of love,” don’t be fooled into thinking it “just happened,” they made the decision that it was too much work to continue to love the imperfect person they chose and are now through. But let me tell you, the best years of your life will be the ones where you learn to stop focusing on yourself. This life is not about ‘me,’ despite what our culture leads us to believe. We are part of something greater, and God cares far more about our character than our comfort. And if one thing is for sure, He will allow you to go through uncomfortable times. But it’s to build you and grow you both as individuals and together as a couple. If you never knew pain, you would never know to pray for comfort, if you never knew hard times, you would never know to pray for provision. So when you wake up, you pray. You stick it out, because you said that you would. And excuses aren’t acceptable. You fell in love with an imperfect person, and they did the same. Hurt will come. Heartaches happen. Hard times are a part of life. But you cling to each other and God. You don’t run from issues or problems. You face them head on together. You are a team, and divorce really is a 4-letter word. Whatever you do, don’t look to society for advice or approval. They don’t have the same standards that we are held too. And I say this not at all because I am perfect, but because I know from experience. Things that are good are worth fighting for, and you just may have to do that at some point. So, just know baby girl, when you wake up God has your path ready for you with all the grace and provision you will need, and we will always have your back and will be behind you every step of your journey.”

So back to my *hold that thought* moment… Hind sight is always 20/20, but I was actually allowed to get this 20/20 vision a few years early. For now my explanation of falling in love worked for my child who still believes in fairy tales, but when we revisit this topic later in her life, I’ll be slightly more prepared with what to tell her about what to do when you “wake up” after falling in love.

My Picture of a Perfect Mother's Day Weekend

And for a moment it’s perfect. Peaceful. Calm. The windows and doors are open and a cool breeze is blowing through. The birds are singing and the girls are playing well together and the only sound outside of the wind and birds is laughter. I love this time of year, however short it may be. The beautiful weather allows my home to expand from the 1800 sq ft 3 bedroom, two bath into a much larger 2 ½ acre home. The indoors and the outdoors have no limits and seem to mingle in a way that erases the walls that actually surround us. I can count the number of times that I have had to close off the outdoor world and turn on the air-conditioner this year on just one hand. I have learned that as long as the wind is blowing and the fans are on, I can tolerate the warmer temps. The trees that shade our house and yard do an incredible job at keeping it cool. The girls live outside. Today the horses are grazing in the yard so the girls are playing in the pasture. They decided to walk to the back and explore the old red barn that is home to lots of wild little critters. For whatever reason, our oldest is carrying the youngest. The weenie dog sees the opportunity to find trouble and runs quickly to catch up. Their exploration is quick; very short lived. They return quite certain that it’s haunted. “Not haunted, just old and creaky,” I assure them. The explanation makes sense and they go back to play in the sand that used to be a volleyball court. Sand castles, villages, and countries keep them busy most of the morning. I can’t help but think how nice this moment is. I watch them run and play through the pasture and for a moment I miss being 5. No, maybe not. Maybe watching them be children is better than being a child again… A sand fight breaks out and the peace and beauty is broken. It was bound to happen, of course. Imperfection is what makes moments of perfection so great. You have to catch them when they happen, and enjoy them while they last because you know they are short lived and sometimes few and far between. But for a moment, our little world was perfect, and I have captured a beautiful picture in my mind that will always hold that moment of perfection.
And this is just one of the reasons that “mommy” is one of my favorite titles I wear.