Goodbye 2011

2011…
I don’t get to post as much as I should, but I’m going to attempt to take a minute too. Nothing long or deep, just a few thoughts as the New Year nears. This is kind of a cool point for me. This time last year I had just gotten accepted into nursing school (and was scared out of my mind). This time next year I will have just graduated (and will be scared out of my mind again). I am half way through and that is an awesome feeling. The semesters are so fast paced that they fly and are over before you realize it, which is the way it has to be because you couldn’t make it if they were or seemed any longer. This semester was awesome, despite having an instructor who is known for being “blonde” to put it lightly. It has left me both feeling ready and very excited for my next semester. I am thankful for the nurses that I got to work with. They gave me the boost of confidence that I really was lacking. And my classmates were awesome also. They made the semester survivable and wayyy too much fun…

As I look back over the last year, if I had to come up with one word to sum it up it would be change. Or uncertainty. Or insanity. Well, maybe I could find several words… But maybe it was a little of all three. Jan of 2011 seems like a long time ago. Longer than a year. So much has happened and changed since then. It has left me really ready for the New Year and all the changes that will come. I’m excited to see what happens next. Hoping for no injuries or broken bones for a while though. Had my fill of those in 2011. While it did have its rough spots and low points it seems to be ending on a good note. So here’s to hoping 2012 is awesome and I feel God’s presence can see His fingerprints on the situations that are not.

Perspective…

I try not to complain. From time to time I can be found guilty of venting or sharing a possibly uninvited opinion, but I always *try* to be positive, especially on public forums. I don’t, however, consider this a public forum, and if I am going to vent, or be less than positive it will be here. This is my space. I don’t ask anyone to read this, I just share what I post- you can take it or leave it. I have found that complaining not only drains me, but those that I impose my complaints on. Have you ever logged on to FB and saw nothing but negative status after negative status? Instantly your mood is changed and you find something to gripe about. It’s like a bug, it just catches and spreads. The good news is that being positive can too. Being positive in a negative situation, however is much easier said than done…
I recently logged on FB and read the status of a dear friend who said something about being determined to stay positive and keep her focus on the right things no matter how difficult her surroundings were. I never asked what was going on, because I didn’t really need to know and dragging up whatever is going on defeats the point of maintaining a positive focus. I simply applauded her efforts and identified with that struggle. And it is hard. And I love throwing pity parties just as much as the next person. And from time to time I do- I’m never perfect. But those moments are rare and I only allow myself a very brief amount of time for it. Pity parties are useless. They accomplish nothing and cause you to focus on A. your problem, and B. YOU. Neither of which deserve to attention they are given during that time! Can you say selfish?!
I keep having to remind myself of this lately. I find myself in a very difficult-for-me-to-deal-with situation. And for a while I didn’t deal with it well. And yes, I had a pity party. Then I got over it. For now its life and we just have to do what we have to do- and this is part of it! And the lessons I learn here I will use somewhere down the road, that’s why God has me here. I find that I constantly am reminding myself of the saying that I use with the girls. It’s actually one I picked up from school this semester- “You don’t have to like it; you just have to do it.” But I also know that even if I don’t like it, I can still be happy. Even when it’s difficult. And I am pretty sure that the positive factors always outweigh the bad. When my mind races to the list of things that irritate me or I would like to be different and I start to complain I have to shift my focus. I have a beautiful, healthy family that I love dearly. My husband has a job. We have a place to live. We are warm in the winter and cool (kinda) in the summer and dry in the rain. We have cars. When they break down my husband can fix them. We always eat. Just that short list is enough to get your focus back where it should be. I just have to learn to be content with what really matters, and when I do that, all the rest just isn’t important. It’s all in how you look at it. And the way you look at it is totally up to you. I say that I am the eternal optimist. Always. Give me a problem and I will either solve it, or give you a “better” way to look at it. There is positive to every negative situation. Always. And when you can’t find it, it may be because your focus is on the wrong thing.
To me, this post seems vague and slightly elusive. But I know that for those in a situation like this, you get it. And maybe it will help you keep your chin up. Things could ALWAYS be worse than they are and if you are focused on the problems things usually seem worse than they really are too. So I am choosing to focus on the good, because honestly I am blessed far beyond what I deserve.

Confessions…

Confessions…
(and a few of my pet peeves…)

I am married to an extremist. And for those of you that know my husband that statement comes as no surprise. Yes, it’s true, very, very true. No matter what the situation, his views and opinions will be totally extreme. Rarely is he ever “neutral”. It just doesn’t happen. I was recently asked if he was “hard to live with,” to which I laughed a genuine laugh and gave a very sincere answer, “for anyone else yes, but not for me. We pretty well see eye to eye on most things.” In total honesty we share most of the same feelings and beliefs. Almost 100%. And about 90% of the time he says exactly what I am thinking, I’m just smart enough to keep it in my head… That’s our one main difference and the one thing that keeps me from the label of “extremist.” He will gladly jump in a conversation, share his thoughts, feelings, or convictions, and defend them to the death (and be very surprised when people think his stance is extreme), I on the other hand usually don’t. And if I do, I understand that most of society will not agree with my ideology and may think I am crazy after. But his passion, as I like to call it, is one of the things that I love most. And his ability to jump out into something and be willing to sink with the ship when it doesn’t go his way. It’s not that I never do or am unwilling to however; it’s that he feels really passionately no less than 75% of the time towards things in life, and I feel passionately about 25% of the time. But there are a handful of topics that I do openly consider myself to be an extremist towards, and it is my goal to tackle at least a few of them here… So I will start with this one, for no other reason than it’s just the topic that has been on my mind the most lately.

When did women decide to rule the world? Whose idea was it that equality was something that women were entitled to? And in all actuality was it ever really about being considered “equal to”, or was it always honestly about getting a step up and finding a way to be “greater than?” Before you start- those are all purely rhetorical questions. I know the answers and could pick any of those points up one side and down the other (just ask my professors, who know that I am extreme on this topic.) But those really aren’t what I intend to hit on, but more of an opener to my main thought. And let me preface this. I am talking to Christian women, not to all of society. This just doesn’t apply to everyone, (although it should!) so I am just picking out those whom it does apply to and calling them out.

Why do we not let our men be men?

Why do we feel the need to take that away from them? I see it all the time. Women running the house hold, taking charge, and making decisions like they rule the roost. Often they cut their “man” down at every opportunity (usually unintentionally and totally unknowingly), making all the decisions and setting the rules. You can usually tell when a man is in this type of relationship as soon as you meet him, too. The fact that his manhood has been stripped is so obvious that other men (and some women) are embarrassed for him. He usually walks a little “shrug shouldered” and can never answer a question without assistance from his wife. I’m not talking about the “let me check with the wife and make sure we don’t have anything going on” response here, I’m talking about the “You gotta ask my wife…” response. That’s the one that says “I need her permission and/or approval and am deferring that task to you”. I am in no way here advocating for abuse of power or implying that the husband should lack concern for his wife, so don’t take this post out of contest. I am not abused, run over, or mistreated; I just recognize God’s call for my husband to be a man, my husband’s need to be a man, and my need for my husband to be a man. What a thought... I need for my husband to be a man and so does he. The best advice that I ever got was given right before we got married. It came from people who had our best interest at heart. From people who were not scared to tell it the way it needed to be told. Though it seemed harsh at the time it was wrapped in love and Biblical truth. “God says your husband is to be the head,” I was told. “You don’t have to like his decisions or agree with them, but you have to respect them and honor him. You pray for him and when (not if) he is wrong, let him be wrong. God will deal with that. And never tell him ‘I told you so’ when he is.” And she was so, so, very right. I didn’t like it, especially at first. I may have even resented it, but I always tried to let him be a man. I didn’t have to like it, I just had to do it. I think when I quit fighting it so hard, God took over and it became much, much easier. Now it’s the way I prefer. I won’t stand here and say that I do it perfectly 100% of the time. I am not God, and I am not perfect. I do understand the blessing of doing it though, and it is great. I am thankful to be free of the responsibility he has; God really did know what he was doing when he gave that responsibility to man and it’s really sad and puzzling as to why women fight so hard to take it away and carry it themselves. And it’s not very becoming or ladylike either… I have heard women say “I have tried to let him be a man and he just won’t, so I have to take over!” Don’t. Just don’t. For some men it’s just easier for them to let the women run it. DON’T LET THEM DO THAT. It’s not biblical and it’s just not right. It takes just as much work for a man to be good at being a man as it does for a woman to be good at being a woman. But is there a whole lot in the bible that God tells us to do that is effortless?? I know honor is a word that most people choose to take out of their vows nowadays, but it’s a really, really important one that needs to be there. Our men need our honor and respect and the fact that so many Christian women rule their men is heartbreaking to me. Do we really need to wonder why the divorce rate is soaring?? You may not like this post. That doesn’t bother me, because you have to take it up with God. This isn’t something I dreamed up on my own. I know that I used honor and respect and husbands in the same sentence and that makes most people cringe, but it really shouldn't be taboo. It’s what they deserve, not because they are the perfect Godly husband, but because God gave us imperfect husbands with unique flaws and told us to honor and respect them anyway. And you don’t have to like it; you just have to do it.

So women, stand up for your men. Let them be men, and if you make it a habit of keeping their manhood in your purse, give it back and let them keep it. (This is my blog and I can say that. I actually paraphrased it nicely I thought. )

…Not because I am perfect, but because learning from others is much better than learning the hard way.

What you do when you wake up...

What you do when you wake up.

Mattie is my profound thinker. Her ability to ever so innocently insert deeper meanings into simplicity never ceases to amaze me. Her mind usually works more like her daddy’s in its ability to think abstractly, and this often leaves me in giggling amazement.

Our conversation today (out of NOWHERE):
Mattie: “Mommy, how do you fall in love?”
Me: L-o-n-g p-a-u-s-e… I shake my head for a moment. “Mattie,” I sigh… …Still searching for the words to explain such a concept to a 5 year old… “Well… You meet someone, and you become friends, and you start to like them, and you get to know them really good, and you spend lots of time together, and then after a long time you might fall in love with them and get married!” Simple enough for a 5 year old, but complex enough that she feels that she has received an adequate answer, I am hoping…
Mattie: “So, what do you do when you wake up?!”
I am taken aback by the statement, funny as it is, how true is it?! Where it came from I have no clue. My mind races back and forth between the irony of the statement and where she came up with the idea that you are a sleep when you fall in love from my answer…
My response was “You are usually awake when you fall in love…” And the response worked. But as I got ready for bed my mind went back to our innocent conversation. Hind sight is always 20/20. And this fact usually leaves me frustrated. *Hold that thought* So given the chance to re-respond, and given the opportunity to be having this conversation with her another twelve years from now, I would have said something like this…
“You wake up. And he’ll wake up too. And there will be days where you both think ‘what have I done?’ But you stick it out, cause that’s what you vowed to God and each other to do. And the promise for happiness wasn’t anywhere in those vows. It was ‘for better or worse,’ and worse will come. And it will go too. And happiness will do the same. Luckily, although we call it “falling” in love, it’s really not falling at all. Love is a choice- it’s not a feeling. It’s not the warm fuzzys that make you smile every time you think about him. It’s an action that you chose to do. If someone says that they “fell out of love,” don’t be fooled into thinking it “just happened,” they made the decision that it was too much work to continue to love the imperfect person they chose and are now through. But let me tell you, the best years of your life will be the ones where you learn to stop focusing on yourself. This life is not about ‘me,’ despite what our culture leads us to believe. We are part of something greater, and God cares far more about our character than our comfort. And if one thing is for sure, He will allow you to go through uncomfortable times. But it’s to build you and grow you both as individuals and together as a couple. If you never knew pain, you would never know to pray for comfort, if you never knew hard times, you would never know to pray for provision. So when you wake up, you pray. You stick it out, because you said that you would. And excuses aren’t acceptable. You fell in love with an imperfect person, and they did the same. Hurt will come. Heartaches happen. Hard times are a part of life. But you cling to each other and God. You don’t run from issues or problems. You face them head on together. You are a team, and divorce really is a 4-letter word. Whatever you do, don’t look to society for advice or approval. They don’t have the same standards that we are held too. And I say this not at all because I am perfect, but because I know from experience. Things that are good are worth fighting for, and you just may have to do that at some point. So, just know baby girl, when you wake up God has your path ready for you with all the grace and provision you will need, and we will always have your back and will be behind you every step of your journey.”

So back to my *hold that thought* moment… Hind sight is always 20/20, but I was actually allowed to get this 20/20 vision a few years early. For now my explanation of falling in love worked for my child who still believes in fairy tales, but when we revisit this topic later in her life, I’ll be slightly more prepared with what to tell her about what to do when you “wake up” after falling in love.

My Picture of a Perfect Mother's Day Weekend

And for a moment it’s perfect. Peaceful. Calm. The windows and doors are open and a cool breeze is blowing through. The birds are singing and the girls are playing well together and the only sound outside of the wind and birds is laughter. I love this time of year, however short it may be. The beautiful weather allows my home to expand from the 1800 sq ft 3 bedroom, two bath into a much larger 2 ½ acre home. The indoors and the outdoors have no limits and seem to mingle in a way that erases the walls that actually surround us. I can count the number of times that I have had to close off the outdoor world and turn on the air-conditioner this year on just one hand. I have learned that as long as the wind is blowing and the fans are on, I can tolerate the warmer temps. The trees that shade our house and yard do an incredible job at keeping it cool. The girls live outside. Today the horses are grazing in the yard so the girls are playing in the pasture. They decided to walk to the back and explore the old red barn that is home to lots of wild little critters. For whatever reason, our oldest is carrying the youngest. The weenie dog sees the opportunity to find trouble and runs quickly to catch up. Their exploration is quick; very short lived. They return quite certain that it’s haunted. “Not haunted, just old and creaky,” I assure them. The explanation makes sense and they go back to play in the sand that used to be a volleyball court. Sand castles, villages, and countries keep them busy most of the morning. I can’t help but think how nice this moment is. I watch them run and play through the pasture and for a moment I miss being 5. No, maybe not. Maybe watching them be children is better than being a child again… A sand fight breaks out and the peace and beauty is broken. It was bound to happen, of course. Imperfection is what makes moments of perfection so great. You have to catch them when they happen, and enjoy them while they last because you know they are short lived and sometimes few and far between. But for a moment, our little world was perfect, and I have captured a beautiful picture in my mind that will always hold that moment of perfection.
And this is just one of the reasons that “mommy” is one of my favorite titles I wear.

Just to vent…

Nothing stresses me out more than money… Especially people taking my money. So when I logged onto my bank acct and saw a much lower balance than I expected, my heart stopped. Upon closer inspection my bank had assigned $140 in overdraft charges. FOR WHAT?! I caught myself screaming… Upon even closer inspection, it was for nothing. My bank account had not gone negative, not one single time. And I am being charged 5 overdraft fees?!?! If I wanted to spend $140, I could have found LOTS of ways to do it, a payment to my bank for nothing is not one of them. So I made a call… Very mad. Ready to switch banks. Again. But I calmly say “Yes maam, I was just charged $140 in OD fees. Can you tell me what those charges are for?” So after the exchange of lots of personal information to verify that I was not calling pissed that someone else’s account had been charged $140 in insane charges, she begins to look. And look. And a few moments into her looking she responds, “Do you mind if I put you on hold for a moment?” “Of course,” I respond, knowing that this is a good sign. Several minutes pass before she comes back on. Finally she picks up and says that the charges that were assigned the fees were a $40 ATM withdrawal, a $5 debt, a $7 debit, and a few other very small charges(as she reads them off I am adding up what each item ended up costing). She states that none of these charges ever made the account go negative, (really?! As if this was news to me…). She then gives some explanation for the error such as “a merchant may have double charged, or over charged, or a larger amount was being held at the time the charges were made and since then that charge has “fallen off” as they call it. So what she can do is refund the amount to my account for me. AS IF SHE IS DOING ME A FAVOR… To which I reply “Yes. Please do. Thank you.” Both she and I know that her excuse is lame. I can log on and see holds on my account that have not yet gone through. I know exactly how much I am being charged by each merchant. I have seen merchants double charge on accident to my account before. I have also seen my bank catch that error immediately. I actually had a merchants refund go through and post on my account BEFORE these charges were made, and the refund alone was enough to cover all the charges… And, no, those were the only pending charges. There was nothing “larger” that fell off. But, maybe it was an honest mistake. A computer glitch, we shall say. After all, nothing is error proof. All I know is when an error is made in my favor it is quickly caught by them. When it’s made in their favor, it would go totally unnoticed. Such as the time that they deposited our paycheck in the “wrong account.” Oh, wait- that happened twice. And one of the times, they couldn’t find what account it had been put into until Monday. They weren’t even sure of who had deposited it and seemed slightly panicked. “What is the name of the teller on your slip? What branch was it?!” I could hear the worry in their voices… “I will not be charged any OD fee for any charge if my account goes negative while you find my check, and I will be paying bills and shopping this weekend,” was my warning that time. And they did refund any fees that I got that weekend. And there was the time that they forgot to give me my cash back that I requested when I made my deposit. I noticed it several hours later. They did that to my mom too… There are other things that they have done too. They have just slipped my mind. I log on this am and the $140 charge has gone through. I call again. I am reassured that within 30 minutes I will see the refund. Ugh. When the system works, it works. When it doesn’t, they have control of your money… What can you do?... I almost asked for interest. But since it wouldn’t have been much for them holding $140 for a day I didn’t waste my time… The credit has finally gone through and I feel marginally better. Until the next mistake. All I know is don’t mess with my money. It’s a good way to get me really mad. And if you don’t fix it, my response is always the same “No, thank you. I’ll just wait til my husband gets home and let him handle it. He ALWAYS gets what he wants.” And 9.5 times out of 10, he does… ;)

The definition of a nursing student...

So today was it. The last day of our first semester of clinicals. And I am totally and completely exhausted. It's been a really, really long last two weeks. A lot of nights spent working into the morning and mornings that happened well before the sun came up, and I am tired. But we have all survived. I am a little disappointed that I don't feel more successful by today's great milestone... But I am left feeling like I don't know exactly where I stand, in my instructors eyes anyway. And that's what matters. Evaluations will be next week, and that will be interesting. I don't know how it will go. I actually got the closest thing to a complement that she will ever give last Friday, and even that was riddled with the long lists of things that we did wrong or still need to work on. And I know, right now we totally suck and really don't have anything positive to comment on but the criticism and lack of any positive words has finally worn thin my people-pleasing personality. And though I roll with the punches and can actually take criticism much better than most, 15 weeks of it has worn me out. I am ready for it to be over. Ready for the summer and much needed break. Just ready to enjoy my family, have some fun, and relax and recoup before we start round two in the fall. It is nice to know, however, that my feelings are not at all isolated. They are mutually shared by almost all nursing students, actually. The experience, though new to us, is not really new at all. It’s just part of being a nursing student.
Mikki Smith, SN ECC1 (almost ECC2…)

The trials that didn't kill us...yet.

I haven't been on much. Obviously. A lack of time or shortage of patience has kept me from it I think. But finally I stand nearing the end of another school year and I am overjoyed. I can count the number of clinicals left this semester on 3 fingers. Yes, 3. And though that is bitter-sweet in its self, next semester I going to be where my heart is- pediatrics. This semester, however, I have had the opportunity to get to know 9 totally amazing nursing students who I now call friends. I have also been blessed by so many incredible patients who have done far more for me than I could ever do for them and I have found myself so in love with the patient care aspect of clinicals that I am blown away. Not only are they patients, they are also vets. Old and young, male and female, and it has been an honor to give back and a joy to hear their stories. But the beginning of the year got of to a rough start. We were hit with trials from all sides that we could have never seen coming. And we survived... To this point anyway. And as bad as it was or seemed, we were always able to see how things could have been so much worse and how we had really been spared. Several surgeries, 8 weeks with no work, a lost job, full time nursing school, and a new job later, we are still standing. Most of the questions we had about resources to keep us floating the ability to do what needed to be done have been answered. And who would have thought the entire process would place the job that Justin has been after for several years directly in his lap?... I was (once again) reminded of a few things that I believe 100%: Easy doesn’t = good. Things can change real quick. Stability is a mirage. Job security doesn't exist. People change. Often blessings are disguised in disappointment. Death, and life, often happen when you least expect it. Life is but a vapor; the impact of that life can span generations. Some of the best gifts you could ever possibly get are ones you thought you didn't want. Unanswered prayers actually aren't unanswered. Sometimes where you need to be resembles somewhere you don't want to go... until you get there. God is the only Constant. Anyway- I felt like I needed to post an update before my next post which will probably be later today if all goes as planned... :)

"Here we go..."

We are now two days into the New Year. To me this means that we are also 16 days away from the start of my first semester of nursing school. That thought makes me sick. Literally. I have made myself sick for the last two days. My blood pressure has been high- I can feel it... I have had an AWFUL headache. I have been dizzy. But mostly I have been nervous. For two days straight. Dramatic? Yes. I can be from time to time… But mostly it’s the fearing what I don’t know that gets me. I know my schedule. I even know the instructor that I will have for clinical (which makes me feel better even though I once referred to her as “evil in human form” after our last check off in my summer class). Today I finally had enough, though. I can’t stay sick. I can do this. ~Deep breath~ After all- they make these classes challenging, not un-passable , right? So I took a hot bath, looked up my classes and books and syllabus online and then relaxed. I still don’t know how I will pay for everything this semester. I don’t know how I will afford health insurance. I don’t know how I am going to keep my house clean, workout, do chores, and be a good mom, wife, and student. I don’t know when my packet will come in so I can get it filled out and sent back in. I do know that I have the next two weeks and two days to make sure I have everything in order, while everyone else has had the last two months to get it all done. But I also know that I am here, exactly where I am supposta be; where God put me. And since he put me here, he will give me everything that I need. I just have to trust and be flexible. It has all worked out up to this point, although not in the time frame that I had planned, but in Gods. And I don’t know why God made this process happen the way He did, but I appreciate it, and I am looking for the lesson in it because there always is one. So while today is full of more questions than answers, I am going to relax and just trust. I know where I am, and I know I am where I need to be, when I need to be. All the rest will work it’s self out, and it will all be ok.